I Hate You....But Thank You

I've been brooding on this for a long, long time.  I'm sitting here today thinking its time to get this off my chest, off my mind and maybe I will have some clarity.  If not, well, I certainly hope I'll feel better.  I'm not looking for pity from anyone.  I'm not looking for sympathy.  I simply want to share this.  And even though I know the person this is directed at will never in a million years read it, at least I'll have said it in some form because I'm not sure I could ever say these things face to face.

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I hate you.
I hate you for a million reasons.

I hate you for yelling at me so much, and never giving me the benefit of the doubt.  You never had nice things to say, and if you did, you certainly never told me.  I never got to defend myself with you.  It was always your way or no way.

I hate you for telling me that the only reason you stuck around was because you had an "obligation" to me.  Fuck that.  Children are NOT obligations.  You loved my mother when I was created.  And because you're a fucking coward, you ran.  If I was such an obligation, why didn't you try harder to do right by me, and Mom and my brother?  

I hate you for hitting me.  I hate you for beating me.  I hate you for treating me like I was less than nothing.  I never did anything so severe to deserve the way you beat me.  A spanking now and then is one thing, but to leave marks on a person the way you did was uncalled for.

I hate you for hitting my mom.  What did she ever do to deserve that?  Because you were drunk and didn't have any other outlet for the anger you stew on?  No excuse.

I hate you for making my mom feel guilty that she didn't get out earlier.  Because of you, there wasn't a day that passed that we weren't afraid.  Afraid of the mood you'd be in.  Afraid of doing the "wrong" thing.  Afraid of saying the "wrong" thing.  Afraid that if we had the courage to run, it would be pointless because you're a manipulative bastard and would always find a way to guilt us into coming back.

I hate you for blaming everything on me or Mom.  I hate that you told us that everything that ever went wrong was our fault.  We were not the cause of your problems.  You couldn't see through your ego and drunken stupor to figure that out.  It wasn't our fault you were shit on as a child.  It wasn't our fault that you couldn't see that and do the right thing to make it right.  Not with the crap from your past, but for your family and your future.

I hate you for not supporting me.  You were there, sure, but not emotionally.  You never gave a damn about any of my accomplishments in school, or my dreams.  You never showed me the right way to step into the world as an adult.  I had to figure it all out myself.

I hate you for ruining my brother's life.  Because of the way you treated us, he grew up thinking that its ok to be drunk all the time and act like an ass.  I hate you for this because all I want to do is help him, and he won't see through that enough to let me.

I hate you for ruining your life.  I hate you for ruining what you had by not seeing what you had.  You could have had it all.  You could still be in contact with me and my beautiful family.  I bet you don't give a shit either way....wouldn't surprise me anyway.  You're missing out on so much.  I have two of the most amazing little boys, and because of you, they will never know you.

Your father abandoned you, and you always said that you'd never be like him.  I hate to tell you, but you're just like him.  You don't have to physically leave to abandon something.

I hate you for so many things that its hard to see through all the hate to point out every single thing.  

But really...Thank You.  Thank you for making me grow up to be the person I am now.  Thank you for showing me that what you did, all those horrilbe rotten things you pulled off, are not ok.   Thank you for teaching me what NOT to do to a child or any other person I love.  Thank you for giving me the strength to say FUCK YOU.  You lose this time.  I'm bigger than you are, I'm better than you are, and I will never let you back in.  Because of you, I have learned what true strength is.  I value the blessings I have been given.  I thank God every single day that I haven't had to see you or hear your voice for almost 3 years.  I honestly feel sorry for you that you're missing out on so much in my life.  But you don't deserve it.  I hope its the one thing you crave the most, because it is the one thing you'll never get.  I won't give you the satisfaction of being a Grandfather.  You don't even get called Dad anymore.  I don't know you as a Dad...I don't know you at all.  I don't feel like you deserve the title, even in the slightest.